Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
