remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
