hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize