soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
