Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
