u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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