I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize