my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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