Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I love having hate sex.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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