You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize