after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
