Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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