I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
