Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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