So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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