So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
