theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
