foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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