Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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