it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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