Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
