it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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