i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
