Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
