i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
