i think my mom watched the whole time
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
