The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
