Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
