you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
