: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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