how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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