Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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