we have officially lost it.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
How does one acquire holy water?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
