this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize