the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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