I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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