it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
