Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
