Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
