Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
