Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
