Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
