Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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