I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
