We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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