i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
