Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
