i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
