There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
