I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize