i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize