Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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