I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
