My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
