I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My legs feel like baby dolphins
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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