The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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