You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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