I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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