I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
